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Poker Humour!!
webby234
Member Posts: 1,781
After a player check raised on an open end straight flush draw with two overcards .... misses, bets out again and gets called by pocket 33 to his King high ....
Player #1: "Jeeze, how can you call that?"
Player #2: "I have a hard enough time folding the losers ... now you want me to fold the winners?"
Walking out of a grocery store ...
Solicitor: "Sir, would you care to donate to the Disabled Vets?"
Man: "Sorry, I gave at the Casino."
After a bad player makes an obvious straight flush on the river with a 5 card flush on the board ...
He tries to check raise with it.
Only to have the Ace high flush check it down.
Straight flush: "I wanted you to bet it!!".
Ace High flush: "I have a hard enough time playing my hand ... now you want me to play yours too!"
After another complicated check raise with open end straight flush draw with overcards .... But getting called by the virtual nuts.
Player 1 check raises the turn with 10cJc with a board of KcQcKd3s then bets the river when a 3h falls. Upon being called, player 1 proudly turns his hand over and doesn't say a word.
Player #2 "Huh?" [looks and looks ... turns his head sideways and looks again. Decides he has the winning hand and turns over K4 offsuite.
Player #1 "Well, if you didn't have a king you probably would have folded."
Player #2 "Yeah, you're right ... But I thought you had something the way you turned it over real proud."
Player #1 "I was hoping you would misread my hand and throw yours away".
Player #3 "It was a nice try, but Bob can't think that fast".
in a 10-20 Hold'em game at the Mirage, a drunk was begining to get out of hand.
"Well that was one ****-pink river card from you dealer!" he bellowed after missing a flush.
The dealer beheld the drunk gravely; "Sir, there is a young lady at the table. If you don't control your language, you will have to leave."
On the next hand, the drunk doesn't improve his set on the flop and looses to a straight. "Jesus Christ! Why don't you just light my wallet on fire pin head!"
The dealer was absolutely at his limit; "Sir, I'm telling you for the last time; there is a young lady at the table! Control your language or you will be escorted out of here!"
On the following hand, every player in the game wades into the pot. There are raises and caps on every card. In the end, the drunk sucks out an inside straight and wins the 10-20 pot of the month. The drunk looks out over his pile of chips at the dealer and asks, "Do you boys pool your tips togeather or do you keep them for yourselves?"
The dealer replies "All dealers here keep their own tips."
The drunk tosses two green chips at the dealer and says with a grin; "Well have a **** toke on me"
The dealer picks up the $50, turns to the young woman and says, "Miss, I'm afraid you'll have to leave the table."
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says,
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again.
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice.
He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to the Horseshoe."
He goes to The Horseshoe.
The voice says, "Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry."
He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP.
He goes to his assigned tournament table.
The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt AsAd.
The voice says, "Go all in."
He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot.
Three players call.
The dealer lays down the flop which is 8h9h10h.
The voice says, "Oooops."
The first guy is playing pretty wild, throwing away money like it doesn't mean anything. The second guy occasionally glances at his table. Now one of the players at the first table is the owner of the club, who likes to sit down every now and then and give the regulars a little of their money back. After a while, he can't help but wonder where the new fish at his table, who is down three thousand dollars already, gets his money, since he's obviously got lots of it. So he asks him, "Say, what do you do for a living?"
The guy answers, "I bet people".
"Huh?", says the poker club owner, displaying that professions characteristic wit.
"I bet people. You know, about whether certain things will happen. Like, I could bet you ten thousand dollars that by the next time you win a pot, your balls will be cubical."
"What? Cubical balls? No way. I mean, how could you make money betting like that? You wouldn't bet that."
"I sure would. Ten thousand dollars. This game is pretty boring anyway, it needs a side bet."
The club owner thinks for a while, but he really can't see any way to lose this bet. Ten thousand dollars for free - he can't resist. You don't get to be a club owner without a big dose of greed, and this guy is typical, so he agrees to the absurd bet.
Strangely enough, the guy's play tightens up quite a bit, and as the next few hands are played, the club owner seems a little reluctant to go to the showdown. Not that he thinks it could actually happen, but, well, he can't help being a little superstitious. The guy he made the bet with notices this and takes advantage of it, bluffing him out of a pot. Maybe he isn't such a fish, think the other players. But then why would he make such a stupid bet?
After a while, the inevitable happens. The owner is dealt pocket aces, and the flop comes AKK. He may be a little worried, but there is no way he can fold a hand like this, and besides, his eyes are lighting up at the thought of 10 grand plus all the action he could get if someone else has one of the remaining aces or kings. Two players stay in to the showdown, and the owner gets a monster pot, his full house beating aces up and a player with Kx who got hit by the turn for Kings up. After he is pushed the pot, the eyes of all the players turn to the mysterious bettor.
"Well? You owe me 10 grand!", says the owner. "I can assure you, they feel just fiiiiiiine!"
"Can I see them.", asks the stranger.
"WHAT?", screams the casino owner.
"This is ten thousand dollars on the line. How can I believe you? Maybe you are lying for the money, or maybe you wouldn't even be able to tell. Who knows how cubical balls feel, right? I'm going to have to examine them to confirm that I lost the bet."
The casino owner thinks about it for a while, but while rather bizarre, he can't help realizing the request makes sense. How else to prove he won? His prudish nature battles with his greed for a while, but the final result is as predictable as a fight between a fish's fear of losing his last few chips and his hope that maybe this time, finally, he'll get that monster flop. The stranger walks over, and the casino owner drops his pants. The stranger's friend is watching intently from the other table in the room. The stranger reaches up, cups the owner's balls, then releases them and says, "You're right. You win the bet."
The casino owner restores his clothing and smiles hugely, as the stranger's friend goes on massive tilt, slamming his fists on the table and yelling, "****! YOU IDIOT, YOU DID IT AGAIN!"
The casino owner, curious about these strange events, asks the stranger, "I don't get it. If you make losing bets like that, how do you make money? And why is your friend so drunk?"
"One answer should do for both.", replies the stranger smugly. "While we were parking, I bet my friend fifty grand that before an hour of playing went by, I'd have the owner of the casino by the balls."
"That husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
Comments
Nice 1 webby
really doesnt take that long to read guys lol
Yes luved em mate, especially the last one, ...
these women have a funny sense of humour !! ...hahaahhaha
you try dressing yourself?
you been talking to my wife?? lool