Jack Handey

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“I guess of all my uncles I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave, and because sometimes he’d eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.”

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When you go in for a job interview , I think it's a good thing to ask if they ever press charges

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If you're a cowboy and you are dragging a guy behind your horse , I bet it would really make you mad if you looked behind and he was reading a magazine

Tikay10

Ha, incred.

I had never heard of him, now I need to find out more, & if he's written any books. If he has, I'll be ordering them today.

Here's his Wiki page for others as ignorant about him as me;


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handey

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If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

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Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder, but not any man is capable of being a good camper… so, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

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Let’s be honest: Isn’t a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves?

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During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were ‘just going down to the corner.’

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Tikay10 said:

Ha, incred.

I had never heard of him, now I need to find out more, & if he's written any books. If he has, I'll be ordering them today.

Here's his Wiki page for others as ignorant about him as me;


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handey

The humour's a bit marmitey , but I think he's hilarious.

"Deep Thoughts: Inspiration for the Uninspired" ..one of his books available on amazon

Tikay10

Have loved every one of those you have Posted so far.

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I’d like to see a James Bond movie where James Bond gets behind financially and maybe has to take out a bill consolidation loan, because even when he’s applying for the loan he’s still real smart-alecky.

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It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marine Land says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.

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When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil

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I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!

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I bet Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

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If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I’d glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised… “Wait a minute! I thought WE won!”

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And finally for today ...dark but very funny >>

I guess we were all guilty, in a way; we all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.”

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Whenever anybody says he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something

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One bad thing about Lassie, she was always warning you about something; let me be surprised for a change.

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In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you

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If I ever become a mummy, I’m going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.