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How to deal with self loathing and hating yourself along with a bully on the bus.
I have no idea why I am writing this, except to say that it’s four in the morning and I can’t sleep and maybe just maybe writing this down may help. I apologise in advance and will probably delete this after I hopefully get some sleep having got these jumbled up thoughts out of my head.
I have never really liked myself, this has led to the thought that why would anyone else like me. This is probably why, at 51, I am all alone and dreadfully sad. Hating myself leads to destructive behaviour, some people drink, some do drugs. My form of self harm is eating. I eat when I’m sad or upset, which like an ever decreasing circle leads to me hating myself more which leads to more eating. Daft eh!
The reason I’m rambling at four in the morning though, is what happened last night.
After coming down for the football this weekend, two of my brothers and I went out for, yes you’ve guessed it , a meal followed by a pub quiz. It was quite a nice evening, the quiz was well attended, which led to it running quite late. When we left the pub it was decided that, as it was quite chilly , and we didn’t fancy walking the four miles home, we would catch a bus. We boarded our ride home to find our driver, a middle aged lady, at the back of the bus trying to rouse a man who was stretched out across the back seat. Unsuccessful in her efforts our driver informed us that she was actually about to start a break, but we were welcome to sit on the bus while she went off to the loo. Apart from the man at the back we had the bus to ourselves, my brothers occupied a double seat and I take a seat two rows back by the emergency exit which gave me more legroom. We started chatting about the quiz and some of the answers we missed, only to be told on a couple of occasions to “ shut the f**k up you c***s” by the now suddenly awake man at the back. The bus driver returned, and seeing that he was awake, asked the man where he was supposed to be getting off. After a few minutes back and forth, the driver finding it hard to understand his slurred speech, it was confirmed that this bus was not going where he wanted to go and that he should get off and join another bus. He grunted a few swear words and stayed put. A few moments later a sound from the back of the bus, which I took to be the opening of a superfluous can of beer, was followed by slurping noise. I then became aware that the man had , surprisingly stealthily, moved from the back to be level with my seat. “C**t” he said, before moving a step forward and turning to face me. He then made a pretend gun with one hand and shoved it into my face. It was so close that if I had blinked, he would have made contact. I don’t react but stare straight ahead , thinking. My brothers, sat two rows in front, appear to be none the wiser as to what is unfolding. I notice a few things as my brain is starting to race, and I am getting just a little bit angry.
What I had thought to be a can of beer turns out to be a large glass bottle that he is holding in his other hand. Both his hands are festooned in rings that look like they could do some damage and he his wearing a very nice pair of what I would call “bovver boots”. He is well over six feet tall and it appears that, other than getting drunk and abusing people, he likes to spend time in the gym, a lot of time in the gym. Anyone who has met me at an SPT will know that I am not exactly small, but my six foot two frame is mainly covered with whale blubber not muscle. I have been a fat git most of my life and I have dealt with bullies, I have always tried to avoid confrontation unless I get backed into a corner, this feels like I don’t have much of a choice , but if I react this is likely to end up with blood being spilt, followed by hospital and court appearances if not worse. Just as I begin to tense myself and get ready to commit to being “all in” he makes the sound of a gun firing, pulls his hand away and says “ you’re dead c**t”. Ok, I tried my best, but here I come ready or not. Just then our villain suddenly turns and stumbles towards the front of the bus and after more delightful repartee with the driver, followed by another salvo in my direction he gets off and stumbles into the night.
So I have been tossing and turning all night, totally unable to sleep. Deep down I know I did the right thing by not reacting , but the self loathing self hating part of me keeps telling me that not only am I a worthless ugly fat git, but I am a coward to boot.
I have never really liked myself, this has led to the thought that why would anyone else like me. This is probably why, at 51, I am all alone and dreadfully sad. Hating myself leads to destructive behaviour, some people drink, some do drugs. My form of self harm is eating. I eat when I’m sad or upset, which like an ever decreasing circle leads to me hating myself more which leads to more eating. Daft eh!
The reason I’m rambling at four in the morning though, is what happened last night.
After coming down for the football this weekend, two of my brothers and I went out for, yes you’ve guessed it , a meal followed by a pub quiz. It was quite a nice evening, the quiz was well attended, which led to it running quite late. When we left the pub it was decided that, as it was quite chilly , and we didn’t fancy walking the four miles home, we would catch a bus. We boarded our ride home to find our driver, a middle aged lady, at the back of the bus trying to rouse a man who was stretched out across the back seat. Unsuccessful in her efforts our driver informed us that she was actually about to start a break, but we were welcome to sit on the bus while she went off to the loo. Apart from the man at the back we had the bus to ourselves, my brothers occupied a double seat and I take a seat two rows back by the emergency exit which gave me more legroom. We started chatting about the quiz and some of the answers we missed, only to be told on a couple of occasions to “ shut the f**k up you c***s” by the now suddenly awake man at the back. The bus driver returned, and seeing that he was awake, asked the man where he was supposed to be getting off. After a few minutes back and forth, the driver finding it hard to understand his slurred speech, it was confirmed that this bus was not going where he wanted to go and that he should get off and join another bus. He grunted a few swear words and stayed put. A few moments later a sound from the back of the bus, which I took to be the opening of a superfluous can of beer, was followed by slurping noise. I then became aware that the man had , surprisingly stealthily, moved from the back to be level with my seat. “C**t” he said, before moving a step forward and turning to face me. He then made a pretend gun with one hand and shoved it into my face. It was so close that if I had blinked, he would have made contact. I don’t react but stare straight ahead , thinking. My brothers, sat two rows in front, appear to be none the wiser as to what is unfolding. I notice a few things as my brain is starting to race, and I am getting just a little bit angry.
What I had thought to be a can of beer turns out to be a large glass bottle that he is holding in his other hand. Both his hands are festooned in rings that look like they could do some damage and he his wearing a very nice pair of what I would call “bovver boots”. He is well over six feet tall and it appears that, other than getting drunk and abusing people, he likes to spend time in the gym, a lot of time in the gym. Anyone who has met me at an SPT will know that I am not exactly small, but my six foot two frame is mainly covered with whale blubber not muscle. I have been a fat git most of my life and I have dealt with bullies, I have always tried to avoid confrontation unless I get backed into a corner, this feels like I don’t have much of a choice , but if I react this is likely to end up with blood being spilt, followed by hospital and court appearances if not worse. Just as I begin to tense myself and get ready to commit to being “all in” he makes the sound of a gun firing, pulls his hand away and says “ you’re dead c**t”. Ok, I tried my best, but here I come ready or not. Just then our villain suddenly turns and stumbles towards the front of the bus and after more delightful repartee with the driver, followed by another salvo in my direction he gets off and stumbles into the night.
So I have been tossing and turning all night, totally unable to sleep. Deep down I know I did the right thing by not reacting , but the self loathing self hating part of me keeps telling me that not only am I a worthless ugly fat git, but I am a coward to boot.
Comments
Dont beat yourself up about it, you did the right thing by ignoring him.
It takes a bigger man to walk away from something like that.
Best wishes mate
It takes a lot for anyone to open up about issues they are having, so hopefully writing this has helped you unburden, and release some of those Demons that are affecting you, because it's really brave to do so. Well done.
I'm the last one to be preaching about diet and health, but going on how well you did last year, I think you should get back into 'The Fat Club' on the Forum here, (no matter what weight you are starting at) and set those (realistic) goals that you want to achieve, ......... Oh and you do know VEGAS sat's have started don't you? It would be great to have that as another Goal to achieve too.
Best wishes mate
JEZ
On the plus side, never thought I would find myself in total agreement with Vespa/agreeing with sage words from Misty on diet
The simple answer is both of them are right in relation to last night.
Now the slightly trickier one.
Have you ever thought any the less of anyone due to their size? Of course not. Except for yourself. There are plenty of people on here (including me) who have a much higher opinion of you than you do.
Take care. See you in Brighton-or Vegas.
Phil
Wise man once said don’t fight unless you have to - but if you have to give em ****.
Good motto.
It's normal to be alert after this ordeal.
Your adrenalin gland, above your kidneys, released a "flight it flight" hormone. Adrenaline helps your body react more quickly, the heart beats faster, blood flow in increased to the brain and muscles. The body produces more sugar to aid the muscles and brain.
When the situation ended, you still had all this chemical activity in process, it's not going anywhere fast. The guy got off the bus. Your still hormoned to the eye balls.
You missed an opportunity to go for a jog or brisk walk to help disperse all this stuff, tire yourself out and get some sleep, lose some blubber.
Not all hero's wear capes.
Agree with all of the above posts.
Totally get the self loathing bit, it’s not a place I would wish on anyone , but you can overcome these feelings with help from the right quarters, don’t be afraid of asking for help.
You did absolutely the right thing in not reacting, what’s to gain from 2 grown men fighting?
I know a few people who struggle with their body image, it’s such a shame that society portrays the male and female form in such a way that shames those not in the ‘perfect’ range, it’s getting better but we aren’t there yet..
It’s what’s inside that counts.
Hope to see you in Brighton
Take care mate.
I have read your post a couple of times and I can't see that you did anything wrong at all, you stood your ground and the bully, when he realised that, backed down and got off the bus. You played the hand perfectly IMO.
The trouble with bullies, drunks, druggies etc is that they don't give a s**t, most have previous and don't care about re offending, most of us need to avoid that sort of trouble for a number of reasons, maybe you risk losing your job, your family or even your liberty if you get involved, I know I would. Even if acting in self defence there is no guarantee you would be exonerated in a court of law.
Add to this the fact that certain drugs means that people literally do not feel pain, even the hardest of men would be hard put to win a fight with someone who feels no pain, without seriously hurting them or worse.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.
With regard to your self loathing and the effects on your life have you ever tried therapy? There may well be some deeper reasons for your self esteem issues and I would hope that a good therapist could help you deal with those. That would have a dramatic effect on your view of yourself and help you to control your 'self harm' eating. My other half is a therapist and I am sure she could point you in the direction of someone in your area if you want, just drop me a pm if you want to.
I hope you feel better after a good sleep and after being reassured by the replies here.
I only hope that if I’m ever in a similar situation i deal with it as well as you did.
If you’d had a disagreement with someone you respected then, yeah sure, definitely give it some thought
But a scumbag like that? Just dismiss it from your mind as quickly as possible. He’s not worth a second of your time
Take care Nick
These sort of guys are generally in prison most of their lives, hence being so ripped.
Never react. If you have to apologise to them, for doing nothing, then do so.
There is no shame in being wise and taking the moral high ground.
I come from the ‘I’d rather be a live coward than a dead hero’ camp....you played the cards you were dealt correctly
I’m 62 and have never had a fight....caused a few...
I was once in a pub and similar situation to you I was of offered ‘ outside’ and I asked the guy
“ when we get outside ,are you gonna run?”
He said “ of course not!”
I said “ so how are you gonna catch me, if you think I’m gonna stand there and let you bruise your knuckles on my face, no chance...”
His own mates and locals laughed at him and fortunately the situation diffused...didn’t sound like your situation would so well played
See you in Brighton
He wanted you to react but by ignoring the provocation, you won..
First impressions certainly give you a good idea of the type of person he was.
A few years ago, when I accidentally regged for a PLO8 game, I hadn't got a clue what to do.
I clearly remember the help I received from one player at the table.
He took the time to explain a lot of things in the chatbox, trying to explain how to make the low hands, etc.
I got the impression he was a kind, generous person. A good man.
That person was pompeynic.
I stand by that first impression.
Good luck
As everyone said, never react in these spots. Fighting with a ripped guy, out of his mind on alcohol & drugs & brandishing an offensive weapon makes no sense.
Remember last year Nick, on the Fat Club thread, you lost a shed-load of weight in record time? Here, I'll remind you;
"Starting weight. 19st 3lbs
Week thirteen. 15st 9lbs"
Remember how good it felt when your clothes would no longer fit you as they were x sizes too big?
And this piece of advice from last year's Fat Thread;
"One thing a successful diet & exercise regime does is make us feel better about ourselves, feel more positive about everything."
See you on the 2020 Fat Club thread on Friday mate.
As everyone has said you did the right thing, for sure, in how you handled this idiot.
Would be good to see you back in the weight loss thread too if you fancy it.
You did fantastically well the last time.
Hopefully see you in there on Friday!
My twopenneth for what its worth.
Firstly, you are NOT a coward, you simply experienced fear, which is healthy and good. Your actions were absolutely right for the situation.
Courage my friend is not the absence of fear. It is doing the right thing in spite of being fearful.
People were always asking me on the doors if I was ever scared and I was honest enough to tell them.
"I'm always scared why do you think I'm still alive"
As for your feelings towards yourself, they are a sign of depression which is not a weakness but a very real and sometimes dangerous mental health issue.
You have already shown your great courage by having the strength to make your original post. Please don't be afraid to seek help, nobody who understands these things will ever judge you or think you less of a man in fact on the contrary, it takes real men to admit they are struggling.
If you want a safety net Ill send you my mobile number just p.m. me and if you need to reach out at stupid oclock any time. Ill answer.
Sincerest regards
Mark
First of all I would like to say a very big thank you to all of those who took the time to post such lovely messages, in response to my rather embarrassing outburst a month ago. These along with some personal messages sent, really meant a lot to me during some difficult and dark times.
What is happening across the globe, this terrible pandemic, the loss of life and the heroic selfless deeds of many people, make my problems pale in comparison. The lockdown situation will give people an insight into my life, for me it’s no different to normality, but I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I hope everyone can come through this unscathed.
I was going to delete my opening post, but having reread it, I have decided to leave it where it is. Use it as a turning point. I remember the turmoil I was in , early morning and unable to sleep. Battles going on in my head. It spurs me on to make some changes, the current situation making it all to clear that life is short and I have wasted enough already. I have thankfully got back on my diet, in my head everything revolves around my weight, but I must change the habits of a lifetime, become braver in putting myself out there , if, when we get back to some sort of normality, I am to succeed in the pursuit of that very rare but beautiful thing....... Happiness.