All Categories› The Rail

You need to be logged in to your Sky Poker account above to post discussions and comments.

You might need to refresh your page afterwards.

Options

Jack Handey

dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
in The Rail
“I guess of all my uncles I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave, and because sometimes he’d eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.”
· Share on Twitter
«1

Comments

  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    When you go in for a job interview , I think it's a good thing to ask if they ever press charges
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    If you're a cowboy and you are dragging a guy behind your horse , I bet it would really make you mad if you looked behind and he was reading a magazine
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    Tikay10Tikay10 Member, Administrator, Moderator Posts: 161,293

    Ha, incred.

    I had never heard of him, now I need to find out more, & if he's written any books. If he has, I'll be ordering them today.

    Here's his Wiki page for others as ignorant about him as me;


    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handey
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder, but not any man is capable of being a good camper… so, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    edited May 2019
    Let’s be honest: Isn’t a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves?
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were ‘just going down to the corner.’
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    edited May 2019
    Tikay10 said:


    Ha, incred.

    I had never heard of him, now I need to find out more, & if he's written any books. If he has, I'll be ordering them today.

    Here's his Wiki page for others as ignorant about him as me;


    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handey

    The humour's a bit marmitey , but I think he's hilarious.

    "Deep Thoughts: Inspiration for the Uninspired" ..one of his books available on amazon
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    Tikay10Tikay10 Member, Administrator, Moderator Posts: 161,293

    Have loved every one of those you have Posted so far.
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    I’d like to see a James Bond movie where James Bond gets behind financially and maybe has to take out a bill consolidation loan, because even when he’s applying for the loan he’s still real smart-alecky.
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marine Land says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
    Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    I bet Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I’d glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised… “Wait a minute! I thought WE won!”
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    edited May 2019
    And finally for today ...dark but very funny >>

    I guess we were all guilty, in a way; we all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.”
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    Whenever anybody says he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    One bad thing about Lassie, she was always warning you about something; let me be surprised for a change.
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you
    · Share on Twitter
  • Options
    dobiesdrawdobiesdraw Member Posts: 2,793
    If I ever become a mummy, I’m going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
    · Share on Twitter
Sign In or Register to comment.