Jesus and God playing golf - jesus hits his drive on a par 3 two inches from the hole - big G takes his shot - slices it badly - it his a tree hits a bird hits a rabbit and trikles onto the back of the green and its struck by lightning straight into the hole and JC says - "oh come on dad its only a game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sat eating during their lunchbreak. The Englishman goes "Oh no not ham sandwiches again! My wife ALWAYS makes me ham sandwiches!" The Scotsman goes "Och nay not haggis sandwiches again! My wife ALWAYS does haggis sandwiches!" The irish man goes "Oh no! not cheese sandwiches again! I'm getting fed up with cheese sandwiches!" This goes on for the rest of the week. On Thursday the Englishman says "If I've got ham samdwiches again tomorrow, I'm gonna throw myself off a bridge!" The Scotsman says"I'm with you pal! If I've haggis again, I'll jump with you!" The Irishman, notto be outdone, says "I'll jump with ya too! I hate cheese!" The next day the Englishman opens his lunchbox and shouts "oh no! Ham again! Right I'm jumping!" and he runs towards the bridge. The Scotsman open his lunchbox and shouts "Hold on mate! I've got haggis again! I'm jumping too!" and runs after the Englishman. The Irishman runs after both off them shouting "I hate cheese! I'm with you guys!" A few weeks later all 3 wives are talking at a memorial to the 3 men. The englishman's wife sobs "I should never had made him ham sandwiches, he would still be here today " The scotsman's wife sobs "I know what you mean, I'll never eat haggis again!" The irishman's wife looks up and says "I dunno why he jumped. He always made his own lunch!"
and on a lighter note i managed to turn £16 into a Sunday Roller entry and a Primo entry....then back into nothing.....was fun......see you tomorrow night at the omaha.....
ps my money on Kimpet making the money GL GL GL...
man says to his wife.. grab your coat love im off down the pub, to which she jumps up and says great am i coming with you??? no replies the man, im turning the heating off!!
Couple of years ago we moved into a house with a conservatory and decided to but wicker furniture. My partner found a very expensive set in a local shop. Being a bit of a miser I decided to trawl the internet for a bargain. I found a cheap set on a well known auction website. I purchased and took a day off work on the delivery date, mid morning there was a knock on the door. I answered and found the post man with a small box, intrigued I opened it and found a small set of dolls wicker furntiure. Fuming I attempted to complain but found the item measurments had been described correctly, In my excitment having found a bargain I failed to look. To this day I am not allowed purcahse any houselhold items and am reminded of my error on a very regular basis.
A man is sat in an A&E with a steering wheel stuck in his underpants. A nurse walks by and says " That looks painfull?" The man says " It's driving me nuts!"
Two golfers are playing on a course one morning. They were walking to the 15th Tee when a funeral procession starts to go past on a nearby road. The first golfer stops, takes his cap off and watches the procession go by in silence. The other golfer says 'That was a really nice gesture.'
The first golfer replied "It was the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years"
The worlds leading expert on wasps walks past a charity record shop window. To his amazement he sees a 78 vinyl album almost as old as Tikay entitled "100 wasp calls" He walks into the shop introduces himself and explains that he has spent 40 years researching the 750,000 living species of wasps then asks if he could listen to a few tracks. The assistant agrees sends him to a booth then plays the first track. Buzzzz Buzzzz Buzz Buzz Buzzz The expert comes out of the booth looking bemused. He explains that he is familiar with all wasp calls but didn't recognise this one then asks for another track. Buzzzie Buzz Buzzz Buzzzzie Buzzzz buzzz Echoes around the booth and the expert comes out of the booth distraught! incredible he says I've never heard that one either can we try another? He returns to the booth to hear Buzzz Bizzzz Buzzzzzeez Bizzzzzz Buzzzz now almost suicidal cursing the wasted years it appeared he'd spent on research and asked for one final track. back in the booth hears Bzzzzzzz Bizzzzzz Bzzzzzz Bizzeeee Bzzzzzzz only to be interrupted by a red faced assistant bursting into the booth with humble apologies! He'd put the "B" side on by mistake!
The jokes not that funny but to be honest watching James do bee impressions on the show would be priceless lol!
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from B&Q.
WHILE LIVING IN SPAIN MANY YEARS AGO, I WAS CHATTING THIS GIRL UP IN A CLUB IN THE EARLY HOURS, SO WAS WORSE FOR WEAR WITH THE DRINK,BUT WAS FULL OF CONFIDENCE SO MADE MY MOVE.
ABOUT 5 MINS LATER THIS SPANISH CHAP TAPS ME ON THE SHOULDER TO SAY IT WAS HIS GIRLFRIEND. HE WAS ONLY ABOUT 5ft 4" SO THOUGHT HE WAS TRYING IT ON SO CARRIED ON CHATTING HER UP,
NEXT THING I KNOW HE TURNS ME AROUND, AND AM KNOCKED OUT ONTO THE FLOOR, WITH HIS ELBOW !!!!!
TURNS OUT HE WAS THE KICK BOX CHAMP OF SPAIN ,AND WAS HER BOYFRIEND. SO EMMBARSSED , WALKED OUT WITH MY HEAD HELD LOW !!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments
This goes on for the rest of the week.
On Thursday the Englishman says "If I've got ham samdwiches again tomorrow, I'm gonna throw myself off a bridge!" The Scotsman says"I'm with you pal! If I've haggis again, I'll jump with you!" The Irishman, notto be outdone, says "I'll jump with ya too! I hate cheese!"
The next day the Englishman opens his lunchbox and shouts "oh no! Ham again! Right I'm jumping!" and he runs towards the bridge. The Scotsman open his lunchbox and shouts "Hold on mate! I've got haggis again! I'm jumping too!" and runs after the Englishman. The Irishman runs after both off them shouting "I hate cheese! I'm with you guys!"
A few weeks later all 3 wives are talking at a memorial to the 3 men. The englishman's wife sobs "I should never had made him ham sandwiches, he would still be here today " The scotsman's wife sobs "I know what you mean, I'll never eat haggis again!" The irishman's wife looks up and says "I dunno why he jumped. He always made his own lunch!"
I watched the Uncut version of Scarface today and wondered if you have seen it? Its called 'Face'
The only CLEAN joke I can come up with is----- TKAY, (and thats providing he's had a bath this month)
cheers gus
jeff
man says to his wife.. grab your coat love im off down the pub, to which she jumps up and says great am i coming with you??? no replies the man, im turning the heating off!!
A man is sat in an A&E with a steering wheel stuck in his underpants.
A nurse walks by and says " That looks painfull?"
The man says " It's driving me nuts!"
great show
The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "Making a baby."
The little boy says, "Well, flip her around! I`d rather have a puppy."
The first golfer replied "It was the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years"
Had to chuck a cards related one here.
Why didn't the sailors play cards?
Because the captain was sitting on the deck.
The worlds leading expert on wasps walks past a charity record shop window. To his amazement he sees a 78 vinyl album almost as old as Tikay entitled "100 wasp calls"
He walks into the shop introduces himself and explains that he has spent 40 years researching the 750,000 living species of wasps then asks if he could listen to a few tracks.
The assistant agrees sends him to a booth then plays the first track.
Buzzzz Buzzzz Buzz Buzz Buzzz
The expert comes out of the booth looking bemused. He explains that he is familiar with all wasp calls but didn't recognise this one then asks for another track.
Buzzzie Buzz Buzzz Buzzzzie Buzzzz buzzz Echoes around the booth and the expert comes out of the booth distraught! incredible he says I've never heard that one either can we try another?
He returns to the booth to hear
Buzzz Bizzzz Buzzzzzeez Bizzzzzz Buzzzz
now almost suicidal cursing the wasted years it appeared he'd spent on research and asked for one final track.
back in the booth hears
Bzzzzzzz Bizzzzzz Bzzzzzz Bizzeeee Bzzzzzzz only to be interrupted by a red faced assistant bursting into the booth with humble apologies!
He'd put the "B" side on by mistake!
The jokes not that funny but to be honest watching James do bee impressions on the show would be priceless lol!
Hi Guys am enjoying the Show
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from B&Q.
I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."
Went to the doctors and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" He gave me a kite.
Finally a classic from Tommy Cooper
I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."