Dave the hen ~~~~~~~~~ Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking Drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was Already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he Found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the f~ck are You?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.' !!!
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much To live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . .. You've got To send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his House, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking Around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling Welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling Inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never Laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops Out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him And his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood For the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming And he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that Ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife Shouting...
Q People say you have a way of being offensive ,, ?
Benny .. .. yeah It's a gift I have !!!!!!
Q Who's your favourite Lady singer
A hmmm, At the moment .. Amy Winehouse !!
Q Who's your favourite poker player on Sky-Poker
A I'd like to say MickJenn and Richard Orford (funny guys) but the gal who's running hot for me !! (that doesn't sound right) but it has to be ....Anjie1970
With the start of the GUKPT coming up at Luton starting 1st aug, i have been looking at what events i'll be playing. At the moment it will be be Sat 1st, Wed 5th and Thurs 6th of August.. all 100 freezeouts, any results in those or Satellite's and I'll play the 1000 big one ! It's about this time of year when i like to get to Luton and the 'Vic' in London, it seems to me the late summer and Autumn is the time to be out playing live tournament's !! What I'd like to do again is try and qualify online for another crack at the EPT events through online satellites so it should be a busy few months now for poker .. If anyone gets the chance for these EPT event's, go for it, they are the best tournaments ive ever played in, meeting up with old friends from all over Europe and mate's like Mike McGee, Roy Brindley , Richard Ashby and many others. So if you dont see me around these tables much over the next few months, it's not because i don't love you all, it's because i'll be trying to qualify for EPT events somewhere !! But i will keep you up to date with some jokes as i hear them. This my gal Dotty, (for those of you who have asked at the tables ) now retired (won 22 races) sat by me here now !!
Our super sleuth from SPY Poker recently took this photo of Mick Jenn 2 weeks into a holiday in Turkey......Needless to say, he'd forgotten to take his laptop!!!!
Early Saturday morning walking on the beach at Camber Sands and the phone rings, it's my mate Ernesto, (Italian ya know) "Benny guess who's at Ascot today, International Financier and Playboy, Ali Irvano, the guy we met in Barcelona" !! " "Oh great, have you got use of the helicopter" ? "Yes Benny the the engines running" !! "O'k Ernesto come and get me, i'm on the beach at Camber Sands" !! (not exactly Monte Carlo but i like it) We arrived at the racecourse in the helicopter with our friend Valerie the actress. "No Amy then Valerie" ? I enquired, "No" she said, "If she stands up she might make it later" !!
As we disembarked I noticed a figure in a heavily stained overcoat trapped beneath the aircraft! I thought we’d killed someone, however, it was this Ladbokes fellow. He was mumbling ‘Get this F~~~~n thing off me.’ !! Mister Ivano came over not looking to pleased, as we freed the Laddie fellow I proffered him my hip-flask. He greedily drained its contents as I tried to restrain him. Valerie and I assisted him to the weighing room where they fixed him up with a mug of tea and a fresh pair of trousers. I revealed to him that my hip-flask had contained a medicinal draught, known in showbiz circles as a “Percodan Perambulator”. A Dean Martin favourite Ernesto had put me onto it. You can get blind drunk on it and still walk, but you only need a sip. He failed utterly to comprehend the meaning of this news, and in fact spoke lucidly to me about his childhood for ten minutes or so before dropping the mug of tea and keeling over. It was then I think that he clumped his head.”
We were properly introduced to Mr Irvano again who also revealed that his companion, Anita Robinson, is suing the Laddie chappie for suggestions and moves he made toward her as she attempted to give him the “Kiss of life”. Laddie fellow claims in his defence that he “must have been got at” and that “anyway, she made the first move”.
Dashing Euro MP, Sonny 'boy' Lennox spoke with Laddie in the gents, while i grabed an empty cubicle, “I could hear someone singing an old Bob Dylan song, it was Shane, (my old mate) I recognised him as he clambered over the top of my cubicle. I tried to calm him down, but he began chopping out lines of coc aine! I stopped that right away, the stuff was everywhere. I hurried him to Ivano's private box where I poured black coffee down him to no avail. He quickly became objectionable and launched into an anti-Irish tirade, claiming the I R A were after him with helicopters because he knew what really happened to Sher gar! Incredible stuff. I’m sure he was concussed. The last straw was when he unzipped his fly and **** sed over the verandah onto the crowd below. It was chaos, they were throwing bottles into our box, we had to ask him to leave.”
His whereabouts for the rest of the day remain a mystery. Unreliable reports include a drunken appearance outside Windsor Castle, where a verger saw a “religious maniac” whipping a great oak door with a Long Tom.
Later that night a man answering his description was seen attempting to scale the wall of Ascot Ladies College. Who was it Shane or Laddie's man, I dont know ??? dont ask !!!
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Nike virus: Just does it.
Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are 'THE' 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. "Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?" Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ." In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ." This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting........ "Grumpy screwed a penguin!" "Grumpy screwed a penguin!" !!! Posted by bennydip2
My phone rings again, "sigh, who is it this time" I say to myself. No sooner had I got the phone to my ear than, " Bennyyyyyy, i got summat to F~~~~n ask ya mate !!! It's Shane, "yes mate go on i'm listening" (why did i pick the phone up, he's never been sober before, so why think he might be now? )
Listen mate, he shouted, "Your an odds man at the poker game, right" ? " Rent or Buy", " Tell me, I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce. After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he bang ed her every night during their 5 year relationship, it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs."
"On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right" ?
"But...Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of s e x every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million)."
"Value-added benefits are, a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bit ching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees."
Well, tonight (Friday) was a good night 11th in the open( #76) and won a 50gtd (#40) so my form and confidence has come right to go to the Luton Festival (GUKPT) starting Saturday evening #100 freezeout !!
So don't expect to see me here tomorrow and maybe Sunday (not sure about that one yet)
Right quick check of the runners and riders for the scoop 6 before bed !!
Lets see if i can sniff out a few winners ....hmmm !
The coming of a 'Down Loadable Site' !! Oh dear, you cant please all the people all the time. I for one am not interested in multi tabling and I'm not interested one way or the other as to a down loadable site . Since I've been playing at Skypoker,(about 9months) sure ive had technical difficulties at times but you get those on 'ipoker conglomerate sites' as well ! What i would say, about a down loadable site 'if' or 'when' it comes is, Security ! Robots ! Tracking ! and....
(Be careful what you wish for) !! Scandies !! and European players !!
What effect will it have on the 'community feel' and will it bring less customer care/service !! The biggest problem with a down loadable site is , if Scandinavian and European players came 'onboard, would be collaboration in cash games (groups) and the use of Robots programmed on their software'
Still, progress must come, the old Chuff Chuff steam train will be put into a 'cutting' (Goodbye Thomas) and then a new diesel train will come sweeping in !! Be careful what you wish for !!
Comments
~~~~~~~~~
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
Drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
Already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
Found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the f~ck are
You?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.' !!!
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
To live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . .. You've got
To send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
House, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
Around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
Welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
Inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
Laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
Out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
And his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
For the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
And he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
Ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg,
he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head
and heard his wife Shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken bassar ',
'You've s h i t the bed !!'
I was trying to find out about flight cost's, when someone told me (nothing to do with the flight ) that women with
silicone implants run a high risk of them exploding at high altitude !!!
I wont be sitting next any women with big " t i t's" then !!!!
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher Insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.... No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'. She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
( I love this.....)
Alex thought real hard about it,
Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the S H I T'. ...... !!!
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
'Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'
'Yes.'
'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, 'No .'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman '.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter .'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
'ME' ...
Interview with Benny
Q People say you have a way of being offensive ,, ?
Benny .. .. yeah It's a gift I have !!!!!!
Q Who's your favourite Lady singer
A hmmm, At the moment .. Amy Winehouse !!
Q Who's your favourite poker player on Sky-Poker
A I'd like to say MickJenn and Richard Orford (funny guys) but the gal who's running hot for me !!
(that doesn't sound right) but it has to be ....Anjie1970
Star !! Keep doing what your doing Anjie1970 !!
Sharksbite.... Class !!
With the start of the GUKPT coming up at Luton starting 1st aug, i have been looking at what events i'll be playing. At the moment it will be be Sat 1st, Wed 5th and Thurs 6th of August.. all 100 freezeouts, any results in those or Satellite's and I'll play the 1000 big one !
It's about this time of year when i like to get to Luton and the 'Vic' in London, it seems to me the late summer and Autumn is the time to be out playing live tournament's !!
What I'd like to do again is try and qualify online for another crack at the EPT events through online satellites so it should be a busy few months now for poker ..
If anyone gets the chance for these EPT event's, go for it, they are the best tournaments ive ever played in, meeting up with old friends from all over Europe and mate's like Mike McGee, Roy Brindley , Richard Ashby and many others.
So if you dont see me around these tables much over the next few months, it's not because i don't love you all, it's because i'll be trying to qualify for EPT events somewhere !! But i will keep you up to date with some jokes as i hear them.
This my gal Dotty, (for those of you who have asked at the tables ) now retired (won 22 races) sat by me here now !!
"Walkies"
Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
'Do you know what your @rsehole is doing while you're having an
or'gasm ?'
She replied,
(i luv this)
'Probably fishing with his mates.' !!!!!!
Our super sleuth from SPY Poker recently took this photo of Mick Jenn 2 weeks into a holiday in Turkey......Needless to say, he'd forgotten to take his laptop!!!!
"Benny guess who's at Ascot today, International Financier and Playboy, Ali Irvano, the guy we met in Barcelona" !! " "Oh great, have you got use of the helicopter" ?
"Yes Benny the the engines running" !!
"O'k Ernesto come and get me, i'm on the beach at Camber Sands" !! (not exactly Monte Carlo but i like it)
We arrived at the racecourse in the helicopter with our friend Valerie the actress.
"No Amy then Valerie" ? I enquired, "No" she said, "If she stands up she might make it later" !!
As we disembarked I noticed a figure in a heavily stained overcoat trapped beneath the aircraft!
I thought we’d killed someone, however, it was this Ladbokes fellow. He was mumbling ‘Get this F~~~~n thing off me.’ !!
Mister Ivano came over not looking to pleased, as we freed the Laddie fellow I proffered him my hip-flask. He greedily drained its contents as I tried to restrain him. Valerie and I assisted him to the weighing room where they fixed him up with a mug of tea and a fresh pair of trousers.
I revealed to him that my hip-flask had contained a medicinal draught, known in showbiz circles as a “Percodan Perambulator”. A Dean Martin favourite Ernesto had put me onto it. You can get blind drunk on it and still walk, but you only need a sip. He failed utterly to comprehend the meaning of this news, and in fact spoke lucidly to me about his childhood for ten minutes or so before dropping the mug of tea and keeling over. It was then I think that he clumped his head.”
We were properly introduced to Mr Irvano again who also revealed that his companion, Anita Robinson, is suing the Laddie chappie for suggestions and moves he made toward her as she attempted to give him the “Kiss of life”.
Laddie fellow claims in his defence that he “must have been got at” and that “anyway, she made the first move”.
Dashing Euro MP, Sonny 'boy' Lennox spoke with Laddie in the gents, while i grabed an empty cubicle,
“I could hear someone singing an old Bob Dylan song, it was Shane, (my old mate) I recognised him as he clambered over the top of my cubicle. I tried to calm him down, but he began chopping out lines of coc aine!
I stopped that right away, the stuff was everywhere. I hurried him to Ivano's private box where I poured black coffee down him to no avail.
He quickly became objectionable and launched into an anti-Irish tirade, claiming the I R A were after him with helicopters because he knew what really happened to Sher gar!
Incredible stuff. I’m sure he was concussed. The last straw was when he unzipped his fly and **** sed over the verandah onto the crowd below. It was chaos, they were throwing bottles into our box, we had to ask him to leave.”
His whereabouts for the rest of the day remain a mystery. Unreliable reports include a drunken appearance outside Windsor Castle, where a verger saw a “religious maniac” whipping a great oak door with a Long Tom.
Later that night a man answering his description was seen attempting to scale the wall of Ascot Ladies College. Who was it Shane or Laddie's man, I dont know ??? dont ask !!!
benny
Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Nike virus:
Just does it.
Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Nice winner kev ,,
I've not even looked at Goodwood this week, a bit busy with the dogs ....but 'made up for ya' , 11/1 get in well done)
"sigh, who is it this time" I say to myself.
No sooner had I got the phone to my ear than,
" Bennyyyyyy, i got summat to F~~~~n ask ya mate !!!
It's Shane,
"yes mate go on i'm listening"
(why did i pick the phone up, he's never been sober before, so why think he might be now? )
Listen mate, he shouted,
"Your an odds man at the poker game, right" ?
" Rent or Buy",
" Tell me, I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce. After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he bang ed her every night during their 5 year relationship, it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not
counting attorney's fees and court costs."
"On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right" ?
"But...Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of s e x every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million)."
"Value-added benefits are, a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bit ching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees."
"Benny, Is it just me, or is it better to rent ?"
.. I hung up !!
So don't expect to see me here tomorrow and maybe Sunday (not sure about that one yet)
Right quick check of the runners and riders for the scoop 6 before bed !!
Lets see if i can sniff out a few winners ....hmmm !
Oh dear, you cant please all the people all the time.
I for one am not interested in multi tabling and I'm not interested one way or the other as to a down loadable site . Since I've been playing at Skypoker,(about 9months) sure ive had technical difficulties at times but you get those on 'ipoker conglomerate sites' as well !
What i would say, about a down loadable site 'if' or 'when' it comes is, Security ! Robots ! Tracking ! and....
(Be careful what you wish for) !! Scandies !! and European players !!
What effect will it have on the 'community feel' and will it bring less customer care/service !!
The biggest problem with a down loadable site is , if Scandinavian and European players came 'onboard, would be collaboration in cash games (groups) and the use of Robots programmed on their software'
Still, progress must come, the old Chuff Chuff steam train will be put into a 'cutting'
(Goodbye Thomas) and then a new diesel train will come sweeping in !!
Be careful what you wish for !!
NURSE !!!! Where's me medication
glk benny