Whilst travelling to work on the train this morning I noticed this really fit bird that I couldn’t take my eyes off. She saw me looking and smiled back. I thought,’ wow, I’m in here.’ For the next ten minutes we continued to smile at each other and gaze into each others eyes. As the train pulled into the next station she looked like she was about to get off. I decided to make my move and got out of my seat to ask for her number. She rose towards me and without even asking she passed me a bit of paper with her number already written on it. As she pressed it into my hand she kissed me gently on the lips and whispered in my ear, ‘ Please call me.’ The train doors soon opened and she disappeared with the departing crowd. I returned back to my seat feeling giddy and light headed with what had just happened until I felt a smack on the side on the head and the wife shouted ‘What the f-ck are you doing?’
My mate told me today that he'd invented a pain of glass so perfectly clear that it was invisible to the naked eye.
I walked straight into that one. ---------------------------------------
Before Twitter came along we used to have a name for people who spent all day talking nonsense to complete strangers...
The Village Idiot ! --------------------------------------------
My mate Kelvin reckons the temperature of his nut sack is -273ºC.
I reckon he's talking absolute b*ll*cks!. --------------------------------- Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings.
Apparently, a lot of the terrorists didn't realise what a virgin looked like
Interview with Benny Q People say you have a way of being offensive ,, ? Benny .. .. yeah It's a gift I have !!!!!! Q Who's your favourite Lady singer A hmmm, At the moment .. Amy Winehouse !! Q Who's your favourite poker player on Sky-Poker A I'd like to say MickJenn and Richard Orford (funny guys) but the gal who's running hot for me !! (that doesn't sound right) but it has to be ....Anjie1970 Star !! Keep doing what your doing Anjie1970 !! Posted by bennydip2
Just reminiscing about the time on the road, when Shane says "do you remember when we sat in that Dinner", "and the crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, after a summer ride in the country, walked in and sees that sign hanging over the bar which read":
CHEESEBURGER: $ 1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $ 2.50 HAND JOB: $100.00
"Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walked up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers".
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand jobs ?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
"The old biker replies,
'Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.'
Amy still laughing said, "What about that woman called Maxine"?
"When that guy went up to Maxine with her feet up on the chair sitting by herself...
The Man said: "May I buy you a cocktail?' Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.' !!
me yest benny after the flush..lol hope u like Posted by razorkev
Yes kev very unlucky .. I couldn't believe that hand me flopping the 'Nut flush" next guy short stack goes all-in
you re-raise all in and me ( hello Christmas has come early) i call !!
Flop was 3 diamonds (including the Ace) and you both had diamond flush as well !!!!
Unlucky Kev ..It's harsh but that is poker.!!
My worst beat was in Barcelona in the EPT's down to 5 tables ...My hand AA .. Flop A88 all had passed except the SB .. His hand 22 he moved all in ( we were both big stacked) !!!!!! Turn 2 River 2 .... (are you sure) I told him "Your the best" "glk" I went to the bar and got lashed !! eeek
Yes Kev i think it's called a 'Blunder Bust" hehehe ...
I tell what was funny, did you see the show last night with Rich and TK and a guest from Wakefield. TK started going on about Waklefield back in his day... Well, i love the North used to go thier a fair bit but my memories of Wakfield ...sigh !! It'sprobably very nice now but it reminded me of Coranation Street in the 70's!! Famous residents: The pop group “Black Lace”, responsible for such timeless gems as “We’re having a gang bang” and “Aggadoo”
Squashed like a Lamb’s testicles into the kebab of West Yorkshire . Known locally (and somewhat confusingly) as the “Merry City”, it was a depressing abyss which passes its days as a staging post for the freshly paroled.
For the casual shoplifter, the city centre was an opportunity not to be missed, but If it’s bargains you were after, why not try the “Ridings Shopping Centre”, it was the local containment unit for **** pensioners and pregnant toddlers. If that’s not your cup of tea you could always do battle with 2000 other nicotine stained fingers in the broken biscuit section of the “Food Weighouse”.
Street entertainment was varied yet painful, as the Bolivian foot-tappers are coined by pre-pubescent skiprats, abusive old women in Dunlop Green Flash hurling insults and beg for shrapnel from passers by… their cause usually aided by a broken Bontempi or keyless accordion.
The infamous “Westgate Run”, a crawl of over 20 pubs, took in a number of semi-night clubs, including the exclusively titled: “Bitz”, “Toffs” and “Rumours”, all of which can be relied upon as a ticket to a quick knee trembler with Leanne or Donna look alikes and a certain dose of Yorkshire 'c ock-rot!
There are many explicit 'do's' and 'don'ts'...'do' this and don't do 'that' when you listen to players when your learning this game, it can become frustrating and confusing. Many time players ask when should they move up a 'level' because they are doing well and many ask about Bankroll Management and if you listen to the 'Pro's' they will say that's the most important thing to do. Well yes it is but lets face it, most players are ordinary people with a limited amount of money that can be used for recreational gambling. Lets be honest we like a couple of quid on the lottery, horse racing on a Saturday, and poker. In most cases the weekend goes bye and we are back to work Monday none the wiser and no richer.
So how can the average or starting-up player win at poker without a bankroll !! For the average 'Joe' the problem with bankroll is, suddenly you start thinking like a 'Pro' who do this for a living and not for the game. Don't get me wrong in some ways they are right if they are to survive at the game, however they impose a pressure upon themselves which means their game is all about 'grinding'
Ok, the first thing is find a game that you can win at, secondly discipline, thirdly cash allowance. Right lets say your a player who has grasped the game of course you want to win (we all do that) so lets start with 'Sit n Go' double your money.( 6 seat-er top 3 get double the starting stake)
Now follow me here because this is controversial, some will say it looks like gambling but it is a way if your disciplined, where you can make a nice profit without grinding all day on cash tables. Firstly we have to look at what cash we have available for the week's poker (this can be done with a bankroll as well) Example you have 30 quid, lets forget about 'The Open' at 9 00 for a moment. (later) So take 20 quid and make that into 10 x 2 quid units, we have 10 sit-n-go's minimum at 2 quid a go, right and 10 quid in reserve if things go pear shaped !
So now for the system !! This was taught to me by my best mate Rod Boland (sadly missed) he was a great 7 card player but he made good money playing blackjack. His system was level stake bets doubling up 2 times then back to the original stake ? So first game 2 (lose) next game 2 (win)...double up next game 4 (win) double up next game 8 (win) ..= 16 then BACK to original stake 2 and so on ! ... Now using this as an example , we have played 4 games and only used 2 units (1 lose and 2 doubles from a single 2 stake ) and have a profit of 12, so at this point we have 32 from 20 and had 4 enjoyable games !! Now of course things can go bad , you could be up to 2 doubles and lose on several occasions but the worst scenario is 10 straight loses at 2 quid a go. Now even a novice at the game playing 'double or nothing' would win a few with the chance to make a decent profit. If you were to win all games say 10 starting with 2quid and 3 doubles on all, your profit would be 140 + 20 original stake = we still have a reserve of 10, so from our original 30 quid we have 170. The thing to remember is not to be afraid of the double ups, this is where your bigger profit comes from, if you can play 'double your money' 'sit an go' 2 quid and win then you can win a 10 quid game as well . This system can be played with 10 units of 30p, on SkyPoker so for 3quid you have alot of games !
Discipline, is your starting bank, and your game (don't tilt) and above all 'take your profit', and don't play the cash games. If you want to treat yourself to "The Open" fine. Ultimately the thing is, this game is to be enjoyed, and it's a game for life (years) ...to many players try too hard, too quick and hence so many mainly young players become disillusioned or lose more money than they can afford and it affects their home life,
Blonde Essex bird gets a job as a teacher in a boys school
Anyways on her first day she looks out of her window and see's this lad standing all on his own, so she goes out to the playing field and says to him, "You can go and play with the other boys you know" !!
Scientists suspect that part of the human brain is programmed to PLAY POKER. This suspicion has stemmed from studying Mathmaticians and the visions some of them have during a BrainStorm. We seem to be programmed to PLAY POKER as often as possible Is this an addiction or a natural occouring religion that's based simalar to FOOTBALL Religion
WE KNOW THAT:- POKER
Is not specific to any culture or race
Is enjoyed by all & A win / some banter and a good show brings a smile
A male lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ...
So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers never learn. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some men think
Comments
For the next ten minutes we continued to smile at each other and gaze into each others eyes. As the train pulled into the next station she looked like she was about to get off. I decided to make my move and got out of my seat to ask for her number. She rose towards me and without even asking she passed me a bit of paper with her number already written on it. As she pressed it into my hand she kissed me gently on the lips and whispered in my ear, ‘ Please call me.’
The train doors soon opened and she disappeared with the departing crowd.
I returned back to my seat feeling giddy and light headed with what had just happened until I felt a smack on the side on the head and the wife shouted ‘What the f-ck are you doing?’
I walked straight into that one.
---------------------------------------
Before Twitter came along we used to have a name for people who spent all day talking nonsense to complete strangers...
The Village Idiot !
--------------------------------------------
My mate Kelvin reckons the temperature of his nut sack is -273ºC.
I reckon he's talking absolute b*ll*cks!.
---------------------------------
Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings.
Apparently, a lot of the terrorists didn't realise what a virgin looked like
This thread is not called X Files for nothing !! Enjoy !!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GErpOl3KG_w
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=e64ddb44b7
http://www.webtvhub.com/nude-magicia...medy-festival/
Right back to poker enough of this laughter !!!
benny
Oh gord .... Wet me knickers now ! eek Be still my aching heart !!
(keep doing what your doing Anjie, "your the best" ) x
when Shane says
"do you remember when we sat in that Dinner", "and the crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, after a summer ride in the country, walked in and sees that sign hanging over the bar which read":
CHEESEBURGER: $ 1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $ 2.50
HAND JOB: $100.00
"Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walked up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers".
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand jobs ?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
"The old biker replies,
'Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.'
Amy still laughing said,
"What about that woman called Maxine"?
"When that guy went up to Maxine with her feet up on the chair sitting by herself...
The Man said: "May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.' !!
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
She said,
"No, they spread". !!!
Yes kev very unlucky .. I couldn't believe that hand me flopping the 'Nut flush" next guy short stack goes all-in
you re-raise all in and me ( hello Christmas has come early) i call !!
Flop was 3 diamonds (including the Ace) and you both had diamond flush as well !!!!
Unlucky Kev ..It's harsh but that is poker.!!
My worst beat was in Barcelona in the EPT's down to 5 tables ...My hand AA .. Flop A88
all had passed except the SB .. His hand 22 he moved all in ( we were both big stacked) !!!!!! Turn 2 River 2 .... (are you sure)
I told him "Your the best" "glk" I went to the bar and got lashed !! eeek
I tell what was funny, did you see the show last night with Rich and TK and a guest from Wakefield. TK started going on about Waklefield back in his day...
Well, i love the North used to go thier a fair bit but my memories of Wakfield ...sigh !!
It'sprobably very nice now but it reminded me of Coranation Street in the 70's!!
Famous residents: The pop group “Black Lace”, responsible for such timeless gems as “We’re having a gang bang” and “Aggadoo”
Squashed like a Lamb’s testicles into the kebab of West Yorkshire .
Known locally (and somewhat confusingly) as the “Merry City”, it was a depressing abyss which passes its days as a staging post for the freshly paroled.
For the casual shoplifter, the city centre was an opportunity not to be missed, but If it’s bargains you were after, why not try the “Ridings Shopping Centre”, it was the local containment unit for **** pensioners and pregnant toddlers.
If that’s not your cup of tea you could always do battle with 2000 other nicotine stained fingers in the broken biscuit section of the “Food Weighouse”.
Street entertainment was varied yet painful, as the Bolivian foot-tappers are coined by pre-pubescent skiprats,
abusive old women in Dunlop Green Flash hurling insults and beg for shrapnel from passers by… their cause usually aided by a broken Bontempi or keyless accordion.
The infamous “Westgate Run”, a crawl of over 20 pubs, took in a number of semi-night clubs, including the exclusively titled: “Bitz”, “Toffs” and “Rumours”, all of which can be relied upon as a ticket to a quick knee trembler with Leanne or Donna look alikes and a certain dose of
Yorkshire 'c ock-rot!
Ah such fond memories !!
benny
There are many explicit 'do's' and 'don'ts'...'do' this and don't do 'that' when you listen to players when your learning this game, it can become frustrating and confusing.
Many time players ask when should they move up a 'level' because they are doing well and many ask about Bankroll Management and if you listen to the 'Pro's' they will say that's the most important thing to do.
Well yes it is but lets face it, most players are ordinary people with a limited amount of money that can be used for recreational gambling.
Lets be honest we like a couple of quid on the lottery, horse racing on a Saturday, and poker. In most cases the weekend goes bye and we are back to work Monday none the wiser and no richer.
So how can the average or starting-up player win at poker without a bankroll !!
For the average 'Joe' the problem with bankroll is, suddenly you start thinking like a 'Pro' who do this for a living and not for the game.
Don't get me wrong in some ways they are right if they are to survive at the game, however they impose a pressure upon themselves which means their game is all about 'grinding'
Ok, the first thing is find a game that you can win at, secondly discipline, thirdly cash allowance.
Right lets say your a player who has grasped the game of course you want to win (we all do that) so lets start with 'Sit n Go' double your money.( 6 seat-er top 3 get double the starting stake)
Now follow me here because this is controversial, some will say it looks like gambling but it is a way if your disciplined, where you can make a nice profit without grinding all day on cash tables.
Firstly we have to look at what cash we have available for the week's poker (this can be done with a bankroll as well)
Example you have 30 quid, lets forget about 'The Open' at 9 00 for a moment. (later)
So take 20 quid and make that into 10 x 2 quid units, we have 10 sit-n-go's minimum at 2 quid a go, right
and 10 quid in reserve if things go pear shaped !
So now for the system !!
This was taught to me by my best mate Rod Boland (sadly missed) he was a great 7 card player but he made good money playing blackjack.
His system was level stake bets doubling up 2 times then back to the original stake ?
So first game 2 (lose) next game 2 (win)...double up next game 4 (win) double up next game 8 (win) ..= 16
then BACK to original stake 2 and so on ! ...
Now using this as an example , we have played 4 games and only used 2 units (1 lose and 2 doubles from a single 2 stake ) and have a profit of 12, so at this point we have 32 from 20 and had 4 enjoyable games !!
Now of course things can go bad , you could be up to 2 doubles and lose on several occasions but the worst scenario is 10 straight loses at 2 quid a go. Now even a novice at the game playing 'double or nothing' would win a few with the chance to make a decent profit.
If you were to win all games say 10 starting with 2quid and 3 doubles on all, your profit would be 140 + 20 original stake = we still have a reserve of 10, so from our original 30 quid we have 170.
The thing to remember is not to be afraid of the double ups, this is where your bigger profit comes from, if you can play 'double your money' 'sit an go' 2 quid and win then you can win a 10 quid game as well .
This system can be played with 10 units of 30p, on SkyPoker so for 3quid you have alot of games !
Discipline, is your starting bank, and your game (don't tilt) and above all 'take your profit',
and don't play the cash games.
If you want to treat yourself to "The Open" fine.
Ultimately the thing is, this game is to be enjoyed, and it's a game for life (years) ...to many players try too hard, too quick and hence so many mainly young players become disillusioned or lose more money than they can afford and it affects their home life,
glk benny
jeez i need adrink after this !!
Must tell ya this !!
Anyways on her first day she looks out of her window and see's this lad standing all on his own, so she goes out to the playing field and says to him,
"You can go and play with the other boys you know" !!
The boy looks around to her and says,
" Oh i'd better stay here miss"
"I'm the f`````g goalkeeper" !!
Hope i don't sit next to Dragon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAvabbodFi8
Oh well, happy with that 42ish squid top 50, just didnt get the breaks and got rivered to go out !!(sigh)
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
"So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
WHY DO WE PLAY POKER !!!
Scientists suspect that part of the human brain is programmed to PLAY POKER.
This suspicion has stemmed from studying Mathmaticians and the visions some of them have during a BrainStorm.
We seem to be programmed to PLAY POKER as often as possible Is this an addiction or a natural occouring religion that's based simalar to FOOTBALL Religion
WE KNOW THAT:- POKER
Is not specific to any culture or race
Is enjoyed by all
& A win / some banter and a good show brings a smile
so maybe the scientists are right
good reads on here will be back
A male lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She
took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ...
So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some men think
"Happiness?
A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman—
or
a bad woman;
it depends on how much happiness you can handle."
(George Burns)
Classic Rock 'n' Roll
DANCING WITH THE EARLY STARS, CAGNEY HOPE SINATRA RAFT and GINGER ROGERS !!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WY4kDBklYBI
Look out,, poker tables ...i'm a dancer !!