Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f **king plane!!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole 'frigg in' bed by the looks of it!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common? A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your @rse if you get a dodgy one!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says, 'To h ell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?' Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
As some of you may know, I am in love with greyhound racing having been assitant to R Yeats for four and half years. My friend Mark Wallis and the rest of the SOS committee are battling very hard to get the 'Stow' back up and running. We can succeed, but require your help. Waltham Forest Council has called for public opinion on how land in the borough should be used as a final stage of their preparation of the new Local Government Framework (LDF) which will guide future development until 2026. They have called for the public to tell them about 'sites you think should be protected - for example open space for recreational use, or an employment site that you think should be protected to provide local jobs etc'. Clearly the Stow scores highly on both counts. If the council receive enough requests from individuals that the Stow should be retained for leisure and employment use, and NOT for housing, then our chances of bringing greyhound racing back are improved enormously. So please write in yourself and ask family, friends etc to do the same - we cannot stress how important this is to the campaign. All submissions must be made by 27 August 2009. Please either write your own letter (address is on our standard letter below) or simply complete and post the standard letter. Or you can e-mail your objection to planning-policy@walthamforest.gov.uk or you can use the 'call for sites' form on the council's website www.walthamforest.gov.uk/ldf Please help to get our track Walthamstow back to its best use which is first class Greyhound racing!
Thank you and kind regards Barry Styles (bennydip2)
Suggested draft letter:
Site Specific Allocations DPD Planning Policy Environment and Regeneration Sycamore House Waltham Forest Town Hall Complex Forest Road Walthamstow E17 4JF
Date
Dear Sirs,
Local Development Framework (LDF) Call for sites.
I strongly urge that the Council continues to protect the Walthamstow Greyhound Stadium as a really important site for a great night out and as a provider of a significant source of local jobs for the community.
Hi bennydip2 I love your page, it always makes me lol alot. Ive just watched (+backed) bandicoot tipoki win the steel city cup. Theres a poker player called bandicoot, and im sure just before the race the commontator said (not certain I heard it right) Its an ex irish dog which changed its name from In Poker (Tikays new show) alex. + you get all your jokes from shane + paddy. Is their an X files connection in there somewhere??? Good luck with your stow project. I havent done it yet, but I will get round to supporting it + grab a few friends to do the same. Graham.
Mum.............."You are what you eat" Our little 'un..."So if I eat french fries, i'll become French ?" Mum.............."Yes dear" Our little 'un..."So if I eat runner beans, i'll become a runner" Mom............. "Yes dear" Our little 'un.. "That explains why Uncle Rob is such a *ick then"
Hi bennydip2 I love your page, it always makes me lol alot. Ive just watched (+backed) bandicoot tipoki win the steel city cup. Theres a poker player called bandicoot, and im sure just before the race the commontator said (not certain I heard it right) Its an ex irish dog which changed its name from In Poker (Tikays new show) alex. + you get all your jokes from shane + paddy. Is their an X files connection in there somewhere??? Good luck with your stow project. I havent done it yet, but I will get round to supporting it + grab a few friends to do the same. Graham. Posted by TORTUS007
Hi TORTUS007 (Graham) I think Bandicoot Tipoki is trained by Charlie Lister and ran in the English Derby .. won by Kinda Ready (Mark Wallis) What i do know is that his grand-dad is the fantastic (Aussie Sire )Brett Lee and he is favorite for next years Derby on the back of winning the Ladbrokes Puppy derby !! I'm hoping Kinda Ready will go well again in the Irish Derby (50/1 ante post) It's a big ask though to land two Derby's in the same year.
Yes it would be good if you and others here where to email ..SOS (Save Our Stadium)
Walthamstow (The Stow) was the best track in England, it would be such a shame if the developers build flats on the site. I remember our best moment there was when we took a dog called Perrys Tango to win and equal the track record, the owners were estatic and just listening to the crowd's applause as we where presented with the winners Trophy and the man from the Racing Post trying to get sense out of me after we had won and yes all bets landed !! !!
Great Times Great memories
Above Brett Lee and Grand Son .....Bandicoot Tipoki
Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What'sthe meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir!"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion ordisability. What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunitiesemployer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lestit be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral, it's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: Good heaven's Hardy, I suppose we'd better get on with it! Ä full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed in this stretch of water."
Nelson: D amn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all despatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest. No harness. They also said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard of anything so absurd."
Hardy: Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas on visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we supposed to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in the multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."
Nelson: "Don't tell me health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodom y and the lash?" Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
The company I work for state clearly in the protocol that they do not tolerate racism in the workplace.
Apparently they don't tolerate it in the car park either.
--------------------------------------------
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the rocking world go round', then isn't it about time that the USA received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
---------------------------------------------
According to Sky News, a 14-year-old boy in China has been drinking petrol to be like his Transformers movie heroes. This has left him with mental disorders and a strong “gasoline dependence”.
On the upside, he can run fifty miles to the gallon.
(I posted this story on Mickjenn's thread a while back but just incase you missed here's the repeat) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After my trip on a Poker Cruise in 2006, while waiting in Miami waiting to get a connecting flight home. I was thinking i must get the Mr's a present. I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our coming 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for Valerie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Valerie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 " long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip-stick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE FOOOOOCK !!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nibbles on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
*(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE F CK!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nibbles were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
'Oh Valerie loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid . !!!
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.... And those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in fece 's. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of p oop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = P oop, Wine = Health .
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of sh it .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
A STORY TO MAKE YOUR HAIR CURL (I posted this story on Mickjenn's thread a while back but just incase you missed here's the repeat) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After my trip on a Poker Cruise in 2006, while waiting in Miami waiting to get a connecting flight home. I was thinking i must get the Mr's a present. I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our coming 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for Valerie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Valerie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 " long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip-stick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE FOOOOOCK !! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nibbles on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? *(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE F CK!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nibbles were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! 'Oh Valerie loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid . !!! Posted by bennydip2
Comments
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks
'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies
'I dont know! Its your f **king plane!!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says
'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy.
'The whole 'frigg in' bed by the looks of it!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your @rse if you get a dodgy one!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says,
'To h ell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks
'What did you do?'
Paddy replies
'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say
'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says
'Whats his name?'
Mick replies,
'Miles from London !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Raising the Phoenix..'The Stow'
First: 19/6/2009
Last: 3/8/2009
As some of you may know, I am in love with greyhound racing having been assitant to R Yeats for four and half years. My friend Mark Wallis and the rest of the SOS committee are battling very hard to get the 'Stow' back up and running.
We can succeed, but require your help.
Waltham Forest Council has called for public opinion on how land in the borough should be used as a final stage of their preparation of the new Local Government Framework (LDF) which will guide future development until 2026.
They have called for the public to tell them about 'sites you think should be protected -
for example open space for recreational use, or an employment site that you think should be protected to provide local jobs etc'. Clearly the Stow scores highly on both counts.
If the council receive enough requests from individuals that the Stow should be retained for leisure and employment use, and NOT for housing, then our chances of bringing greyhound racing back are improved enormously.
So please write in yourself and ask family, friends etc to do the same - we cannot stress how important this is to the campaign. All submissions must be made by 27 August 2009.
Please either write your own letter (address is on our standard letter below) or simply complete and post the standard letter. Or you can e-mail your objection to planning-policy@walthamforest.gov.uk or you can use the 'call for sites' form on the council's website www.walthamforest.gov.uk/ldf
Please help to get our track Walthamstow back to its best use which is first class Greyhound racing!
Thank you and kind regards
Barry Styles (bennydip2)
Suggested draft letter:
Site Specific Allocations DPD
Planning Policy
Environment and Regeneration
Sycamore House
Waltham Forest Town Hall Complex
Forest Road
Walthamstow E17 4JF
Date
Dear Sirs,
Local Development Framework (LDF) Call for sites.
I strongly urge that the Council continues to protect the Walthamstow Greyhound Stadium as a really important site for a great night out and as a provider of a significant source of local jobs for the community.
Yours faithfully
I've got half a mind to confiscate his wheelchair.
Then they cut the umbilical cord.
Mum.............."You are what you eat"
Our little 'un..."So if I eat french fries, i'll become French ?"
Mum.............."Yes dear"
Our little 'un..."So if I eat runner beans, i'll become a runner"
Mom............. "Yes dear"
Our little 'un.. "That explains why Uncle Rob is such a *ick then"
Cool Runnings.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice. !!
Hi TORTUS007 (Graham)
I think Bandicoot Tipoki is trained by Charlie Lister and ran in the English Derby .. won by Kinda Ready (Mark Wallis)
What i do know is that his grand-dad is the fantastic (Aussie Sire )Brett Lee and he is favorite for next years Derby on the back of winning the Ladbrokes Puppy derby !!
I'm hoping Kinda Ready will go well again in the Irish Derby (50/1 ante post) It's a big ask though to land two Derby's in the same year.
Yes it would be good if you and others here where to email ..SOS (Save Our Stadium)
Walthamstow (The Stow) was the best track in England, it would be such a shame if the developers build flats on the site.
I remember our best moment there was when we took a dog called Perrys Tango to win and equal the track record, the owners were estatic and just listening to the crowd's applause as we where presented with the winners Trophy and the man from the Racing Post trying to get sense out of me after we had won and yes all bets landed !!
!!
Great Times Great memories
Above Brett Lee and Grand Son .....Bandicoot Tipoki
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy"
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What'sthe meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir!"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion ordisability. What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunitiesemployer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lestit be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral, it's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: Good heaven's Hardy, I suppose we'd better get on with it! Ä full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed in this stretch of water."
Nelson: D amn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all despatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest. No harness. They also said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard of anything so absurd."
Hardy: Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas on visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we supposed to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in the multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."
Nelson: "Don't tell me health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodom y and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "And what about Sodom y ?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case Kiss me Hardy." !!!!!!
The company I work for state clearly in the protocol that they do not tolerate racism in the workplace.
Apparently they don't tolerate it in the car park either.
--------------------------------------------
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the rocking world go round', then isn't it about time that the USA received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
---------------------------------------------
According to Sky News, a 14-year-old boy in China has been drinking petrol to be like his Transformers movie heroes. This has left him with mental disorders and a strong “gasoline dependence”.
On the upside, he can run fifty miles to the gallon.
Absolutely brilliant!!
A STORY TO MAKE YOUR HAIR CURL
(I posted this story on Mickjenn's thread a while back but just incase you missed here's the repeat)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After my trip on a Poker Cruise in 2006, while waiting in Miami waiting to get a connecting flight home. I was thinking i must get the Mr's a present. I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our coming 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for Valerie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Valerie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 " long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip-stick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE FOOOOOCK !!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nibbles on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?
*(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE F CK!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nibbles were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
'Oh Valerie loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid . !!!
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him,
"What's up Abdul, won't it start ?"
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. Coli) - bacteria found in fece 's. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of p oop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = P oop,
Wine = Health .
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of sh it .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service. !!
Almost choked on me sarnie!
lol
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him.
"Because I p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move." he answered innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained Johnny, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move".