Joke section.

tomo_efc

Q. How do you know when a woman is going to say something smart?
A. It will start with "He said..."

tomo_efc

Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."

tomo_efc

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet,” Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be £1000, please". "A £1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".

tomo_efc

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.

tomo_efc

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

tomo_efc

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he picked him up again and poured a little whisky down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pants leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth..

tomo_efc

Mr. and Mrs. Thorne who are both in there 80s, had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's holiday in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.
"I've left the tickets on it."

tomo_efc

A hobo (wanderer) comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner asks, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.."

tomo_efc

A doctor at a private clinic calls his patient and says; the check you gave me for my bill came back.
The patient replied: So did my arthritis!

tomo_efc

Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race. 
Bill: How many people participated in it? 
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!

tomo_efc

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That Vicar said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you and mum

tomo_efc

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are nice” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “nice.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”

VespaPX

In Response to Re: Joke section.:

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are nice” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “nice.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?” Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”
Posted by tomo_efc

Know that feeling ! :-)

tomo_efc

How long have you been WORKING here?” one employee asked to another.
“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”

tomo_efc

Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the tub I'm dwowning!

tomo_efc

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. 
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each: 
Port Left 
Starboard Right

paige55

In Response to Re: Joke section.:

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.  One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:  Port Left  Starboard Right
Posted by tomo_efc

LOL XXX

tomo_efc

Boss:... You should have been here at 9.30 a.m.
Employee:.... Why what happened?

koditty

TO DO IS TO BE ..ARISTOTLE     TO BE IS TO DO ..SOCRATES. TO DO BE DO BE DO  FRANK SINATRA

tomo_efc

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. 
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down. 
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" 
The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.

tomo_efc

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying 
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think 
how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 
"There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'" 
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the 
teacher. She's dead."