Attractive teenage girl takes her Granny to the Doctors for tests. On entering his Surgery he asks them. "What can I do for you Ladies"! "We've come for an Examination." said the Girl. "Right he said to her," go behind that screen take off all your clothes and lay on the Couch.! "Oh!" its not for me its for Granny"? "OK" then ask her to stick out her tounge and say, "AAAH"!
Eighty year old man goes to the Doctor and says, "I want to get married to a twenty year old woman, "Will I have a problem"? The Doctor asks him, "Are you sexually active."! "Yes, three times a night." "Well, said the doctor. you'll have to be careful that sort of exertion could be fatal to the heart ."! "Ok, Doc" thanks, if she dies, she dies.
The Vicar welcoming his congregation to Church, ask's elderly man he recognised. "You have been coming to this Church for at least sixty years and this is the first time you have brought your Daughter."! "She's not my Daughter she's my wife, said the man. "Gosh! sorry, said the Vicar." very pleased to hear you have got Married"? "How did you manage to get such a young bride."! he asked.! "I told her I was ninety seven." ?
This guy was drinking at the bar counter. Every time he took a drink he would pull something from his pocket and look at it. Eventually the curiosity of the bartender got the better of him and he asked the guy what he is looking at. He replied: I’ve got a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she begins to look good I know I have had enough.
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them."
Jamaican man on holiday in London picks up Irish Girl in a bar, they go home to her place and make love all night long. In the morning she rolls over and whispers in his ear. "Are you a Leprechaun"! "A What" he asks. " Are you a Leprechaun,"! she said, "No I'm from Jamaica", "Why do you ask." ? "Well she said," "When I was a little girl back in Ireland my Mother always told me a twelve inch man was a Leprechaun."
Went Christmas shopping in town with the wife chocker block and i ended up losing her. Anyway phone goes the wife where the fook are you........Well do you know the little jewellers, with the necklaces in the window that i said 1 day i will buy you.... YES she said............Well i'm in the pub over the road..
Christmas is a stressful time so a couple with Marriage problems decide to take Winter break on a Farm. While there, they argue all the time and the Farmer has to ask them to leave. "Your upsetting my other guests" he said.! While driving out of the Farm a startled Cow runs in front of their car and he hits it. "He tells his Wife"! stay in the car I'll go back and tell the Farmer. He knocks on the Farmers door and the surprised Farmer seeing him says, " You can't come back unless you've stopped arguing."! "No we're not coming back .... I'm here because "I think I've Killed the Cow." !
After years of trying Woman finaly passes her Driving Test, husband offers to buy her present. "What would you like." he asks her,! "Just something cheap to run around in." so he bought her pair Nike Trainers.!
A lady is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to stop eating regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.
When the lady returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The lady nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor. “No, from skipping,” replied the lady.
Young Man, backing out of his driveway runs over his neighbours cat. He knock's on her door and say's, " I'm very sorry but I've just ran over your cat and killed it." "I would like to replace it."! OK, " she said, are you any good at catching mice." ?
"Grandparents" buy their Grandson "Tommy" Pirates outfit for Christmas, he dresses up and charges around the house shouting. " I'm "Blackbeard" and I rule the seas."! Grandad asks him, "where are your Crew" ! gets no responce so he askd him again, "where are all your pirate's " ? no responce! so Grandad shouts, " WHERE are your BUCCANEERS" "Tommy starts crying, and says! "I'm telling Granny you swore at me."!!
"Grandparents" buy their Grandson "Tommy" Pirates outfit for Christmas, he dresses up and charges around the house shouting. " I'm "Blackbeard" and I rule the seas."! Grandad asks him, "where are your Crew" ! gets no responce so he askd him again, "where are all your pirate's " ? no responce! so Grandad shouts, " WHERE are your BUCCANEERS" "Tommy starts crying, and says! "I'm telling Granny you swore at me."!! Posted by goldon
Got Home from New Years Eve Party with my Mates to find note from the wife on the fridge door saying, "It's not working, I can't take anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mothers."! I opened the Fridge door the light came on, Beer was cold no Idea what she's talking about.? Fridge works fine.!
Got Home from New Years Eve Party with my Mates to find note from the wife on the fridge door saying, "It's not working, I can't take anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mothers."! I opened the Fridge door the light came on, Beer was cold no Idea what she's talking about.? Fridge works fine.! Posted by goldon
My Neighbour shouted over the fence, " Did you hear me banging on the wall at 4 o'clock this morning" ! "No! but its OK", we were making lots of noise ourselves. ?
Comments
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them."
" You can't come back unless you've stopped arguing."! "No we're not coming back .... I'm here because "I think I've Killed the Cow." !
“I want you to stop eating regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.
When the lady returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The lady nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the lady.
"No! but its OK", we were making lots of noise ourselves. ?