A psychiatrist received a postcard from one of his clients who was on holiday in Spain. “I’m having a great time!” “Wish you were here to tell me why.”
A couple arrived at the boarding gate just in time to see their plane taking off. The husband was angry to have missed the plane. “If you weren’t so slow in getting ready,” he complained to his wife, “we wouldn’t have missed the plane.” “And if you wouldn’t have rushed me, we wouldn’t have so long to wait until the next flight,” she replied.
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a Tory MP!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
It's not really funny but during last night's 1000 freeroll some body sneaked into my kitchen and took a dump into my pot off mince it was disgusting I had to fling half of it out
It's not really funny but during last night's 1000 freeroll some body sneaked into my kitchen and took a dump into my pot off mince it was disgusting I had to fling half of it out Posted by weecheez1
Didn't want to do it on the floor, in case you slipped on it..
Pat & Mick are on a building site. Their boss tells them to go and measure the height of the entrance flag pole. Their both stood looking up at this high flag pole and start to wonder how they were going to manage it. A colleague walks up and says, I'll show you how it's done boys. He proceeds to unscrew the flag pole then lays it on the ground and pulls out his tape measure.
Pat & Mick look at each other and burst out laughing saying "He was wanting the height, not the width you thicko"
Man goes to the Doctors not feeling well and is sent to the Local Hospital for Tests. Days later the Consultant calls him in for the Test Results. "I have Good News and Bad News" he tells him.! "The Good News is, we have found your problem."! "The Bad News is, it's life threatening and you need Triple Organ Transplant right away." "The Good News is, I'm the only Surgeon in the World that has performed this delicate Surgery successfully." "The Bad News is, it needs to be done before the end of this week."! "The Good News is, I have just Won the Euro Millions biggest ever Jackpot, handed my notice in and leave on round the World Cruise tommorrow. However even with N.H.S. cuts they have managed to find replacement Surgeon to do your Operation this week. The Bad News is, his C.V. said, last job was Tree Surgeon.!
An eighty year old man was fishing in the local lake when he heard a voice say; "Pick me up," he looked around and saw a Frog sitting on a pond leaf, "Pick me up," "Pick me up" "Are you talking to me"? asked the old man. "Yes replied the Frog . "If you pick me up and kiss me, I will turn into a Beautiful, vivacious young Woman who will fulfil your every wish and fantasy. After thinking for a few minutes the old man picked up the Frog and put it in his pocket. The Frog cried out, Why haven't you kissed me.? Are you crazy! didn't you hear what I just said. I can become a beautiful sexy lady and fulfil your every need. "Yes" I did hear you, said the old man, but "At my age I'd rather have a talking Frog."
This man has to go in for a colonoscopy and is rather worried about it. Anyway, the nurse soon realises his concern and as the procedure starts reassuringly says to him, "now don't worry, it is perfectly normal to get an ere-ction at this stage" But the man says he hasn't got one. To which the Nurse replies, "but I have" Posted by tomo_efc
Man takes his Dog to the Vet and ask's him to cut it's Tail off . "Why! on Earth would you want me to do that." asks the Vet? "His tail is perfectly healthy.! "Well" said the man. The Mother in Law is coming round tomorrow and I don't want anything to say she's welcome.!
Middle aged Woman is admitted to Hospital with mysterious illness. Doctor examines her and tells her. "You have acute Angina."! "Yes, she said, but whats wrong with me." ?
Young Couple at Work get a call from the School to say "Grandma" had not collected the children. They rushed round to her home to see what was wrong. "She said, the Doctor gave me these pill's and on the bottle, it said," "Take two a day and (keep away from Children)
Comments
HE WAS OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD.
"Why! on Earth would you want me to do that." asks the Vet? "His tail is perfectly healthy.!
"Well" said the man. The Mother in Law is coming round tomorrow and I don't want anything
to say she's welcome.!
"Take two a day and (keep away from Children)