A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?" Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen." "No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion." "But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."
A Scouser died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions: 1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T". 2. How many seconds are in a year? 3. What is God's first name?
The Scouser thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow. 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 3. God's first name is Howard."
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name was Howard?"
The scouser replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...." "OK, I give you that," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?" The scouser says the prayer...Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...." Saint Peter let him in without another word.
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will” "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
It was dinner time on a British Airways flight from London to New York. As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: “Would you like dinner?” “What are my choices?” asked the passenger. “Yes or No,” replied the attendant
A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you." When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him. "He's gone to Rome, to blow that fookin candle out" came the harried reply.
Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins" "That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets" The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells. The 94-year-old shouts back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible Drink drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”
Two elderly ladies meet at the market after not seeing each other for some time. One asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Rodger died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead right there in the vegetable patch." "Oh dear, I'm sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead."
A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live". The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage. He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!" The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24." The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
Anyone remember Bill Clinton's impeachment? This is the true story of events leading up to it.
President Bill was a tad hungry but didn't want the usual 4 course meal, to be honest he was getting a little disappointed with the meals he was being served, so he called for a pizza take away.
A certain miss Monica Lewinski was said pizza delivery person, she was a little hard of hearing, but did the job to the best of her ability.
Upon entering the White House she was directed to Bill's private quarters where he was eagerly awaiting his pepperoni deep stack, she presented the president with the succulent offering and proceeded to leave, he said "wait a minute,I want to see what it tastes like"
Bill opened the box, took out a slice and started scoffing it down, well he had never tasted anything so delicious and it brought it home to him how bad the food was in the White House, he made an instant decision, and hollered "SACK MY COOK"
A cannibal visited the witch doctor with a serious skin rash. The doctor gave him a small pot of grease to rub on. He returned next week completely cured. " Wonderful stuff that what is it" he said.. the doc replied "My best friend died . I boiled him in a pot for six days then skimmed the grease off" " What do you call it?" Said the cannibal. " Pal o' mine lotion" replied the witch doctor.
A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. “Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight.” When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway.”
"In Liverpool airport and noticed there was mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?” I asked the clerk what is that for, “It’s so you can kiss good-bye to your luggage she replied.
Comments
Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.
Judge: Twenty years!
Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."
"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."
"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."
A Scouser died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
The Scouser thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God's first name is Howard."
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name was Howard?"
The scouser replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
"OK, I give you that," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
The scouser says the prayer...Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.
“Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that fookin candle out" came the harried reply.
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!
The 94-year-old shouts back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
"Oh dear, I'm sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
What has star trek and humans have in common? They both have clingons circuling Uranus. :S
The doctor gave him a small pot of grease to rub on.
He returned next week completely cured. " Wonderful stuff that what is it" he said.. the doc replied
"My best friend died . I boiled him in a pot for six days then skimmed the grease off"
" What do you call it?" Said the cannibal.
" Pal o' mine lotion" replied the witch doctor.
WHATS THE BEST WAY TO UPSET PHYCHICS
THROW THEM A SUPRISE PARTY